Taking Charge of Your Social Needs: A Holiday Survival Guide for People Pleasers
The holiday season is filled with social events—from community gatherings to celebrations with friends and family. While these occasions can be meaningful and joyful, they can also feel overwhelming, especially if you struggle with people-pleasing tendencies or feel drained by social interactions.
Here’s the truth: you are allowed to say no to social events.
That’s right. Not every invitation requires a "yes." In fact, setting boundaries around your time and energy can be an act of self-care. If the thought of declining makes your heart race, let’s explore how you can approach holiday gatherings in a way that feels authentic and manageable.
Different Boundaries with Different People.
You might have people in your life that you genuinely enjoy—when you see them occasionally and in small doses. Relationships can have value even when they’re best suited to limited interactions. Some relationships might only be possible by limiting time together. Recognizing when you don’t need to spend more time with someone and need different boundaries can strengthen the relationship.
We do not need to socialize with everyone.
For introverts, people-pleasers, and highly sensitive people, social dynamics can be especially draining. This doesn’t mean you should avoid socializing altogether. It means it’s okay to recognize when certain events or interactions aren’t the right fit for you. Choosing where and how to engage is a form of honoring your needs—not selfishness.
Setting Yourself Up for Success
Before RSVPing or heading out to an event, take a moment to reflect on your goals. Ask yourself:
Why am I attending this event?
Are you hoping to spend quality time with your partner? Catch up with old friends? Network with new people? Understanding your intention can help you stay focused and make the experience more enjoyable.What do I need to have a good time?
Everyone’s social needs are different. Are you concerned about an event being too focused on small talk? Consider bringing a game, suggesting a group activity, or finding a way to tie in a shared interest.What’s my exit strategy?
It’s okay to plan for a graceful exit if the event becomes too much. Knowing you have an “out” can make it easier to attend in the first place.
If you go into a gathering with clear expectations and a plan to meet your own needs, you’re far less likely to feel drained—or resentful afterward.
Take Responsibility for Your Social Needs
One of the biggest pitfalls of holiday gatherings is expecting others to intuitively know what you need. When those needs aren’t met, it’s easy to feel resentful. But here’s the thing: it’s not their job to know what you need—it’s yours.
For example, I know small talk isn’t my thing. I thrive in events centered around an activity, whether it’s playing a game, cooking together, or diving into a shared interest. If I’m invited to an event that’s more freeform and talk-focused, I might decide not to stay the whole time. That choice doesn’t make me a bad guest or a bad friend—it makes me intentional about protecting my energy.
By recognizing your preferences and planning accordingly, you set yourself up for more fulfilling and less frustrating social experiences.
Embrace Vulnerability
This might sound counterintuitive, but being vulnerable at social gatherings can make them more meaningful and less exhausting. People-pleasers often feel the need to wear a mask—always smiling, always agreeable, always “on.” But this constant performance is draining and unnecessary.
Instead, try allowing a little vulnerability into your interactions. This doesn’t mean sharing your deepest secrets with strangers, but it does mean being honest about your feelings and needs.
For instance:
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to step outside or take a break.
If you’re not in the mood for small talk, shift the conversation toward a shared interest or a topic you genuinely care about.
If you’re tired, it’s okay to excuse yourself early.
Authenticity fosters connection. When you’re honest about who you are and what you need, you give others permission to do the same.
A Note on Saying No
Saying no to an event isn’t about rejecting people—it’s about protecting your energy. If declining an invitation feels daunting, here are a few phrases you can use:
“Thank you so much for inviting me. I won’t be able to make it this time, but I hope you have a great time!”
“I’ve been feeling a little stretched thin and need a quiet night, but I’d love to catch up soon.”
“That sounds like a lovely event, but I’m not sure it’s the best fit for me right now. Thank you for thinking of me!”
These responses are polite, clear, and don't leave room for negotiation.
Final Thoughts
The holidays are a wonderful time to connect with others—but only if you’re showing up because you really want to, not out of obligation. By understanding your needs, setting boundaries, and embracing vulnerability, you can navigate holiday parties with your coworkers and gathering with your friends with greater ease and enjoyment.
Remember, saying no to others is often saying yes to yourself. This season, give yourself the gift of prioritizing your own well-being.
Would you like to explore how therapy can help you navigate these challenges?
I’d love to help you build the skills to honor your needs and feel more confident in your relationships. Let’s connect.
Don’t let holiday anxiety keep you from enjoying this season. Therapy might be the extra support you didn’t know you needed.
I work with adult women virtually throughout California and inperson at my office in Lompoc, CA to heal your invisible wounds.
