How to Keep Kids Safe this School Year

Backpacks, department store sales, the last trips of summer, and kids headed to school maybe for their first time ever. It’s exciting, scary, a little sad, and a good time for parents to brush up on the myths and facts about childhood sexual abuse.

It’s the conversation you’re uncomfortable about but know you need, to feel confident about keeping your kids safe this school year…

How to prevent and keep children safe from childhood sexual abuse.

My name is Nikole Layton. I’m a licensed therapist and I work with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. My goal is to shed light on the facts and provide you with the knowledge to protect kids from childhood sexual abuse. I am here to share information to help with prevention not scare you.

Our current inability to have open and honest conversations about childhood sexual abuse benefits the abusers and creates an unsafe environment for kids.

If we want to keep kids safe from childhood sexual abuse, we need to be able to talk about it and have opportunities for information and resources.

Myths About Sexual Abuse vs. the Facts

Myth: No One Is Too Old or Too Young to Be Sexually Abused.

Fact: Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age. It’s a pervasive issue that spans all demographics. Infants, babies, toddlers, preschoolers, kids, teenagers, young adults, adult, middle aged adults, and elderly adults are all abused. Age is not an exception. 

Myth: Kids Are Abused by Strangers.

Fact: 90% of abuse happens within families. Most abuse is perpetrated by someone the child believes to be trustworthy. Our disbelief that someone would sexually abuse a family member, benefits abusers and makes the survivors feel ashamed for what was done to them.

Myth: They Will Make Sure Unsafe People Don’t Have Access to My Child.

Fact: People who make a career out of abusing children know how to act around adults to gain access to children. Blindly trusting institutions and other people to keep your children safe is how we end up with horrific ongoing child sexual abuse that went on for years like in the case of the Catholic Church the Boy Scouts of America, & USA gymnastics.

Myth: I Would Know if ______ Was Sexually Abusing Kids.

Fact: If you are a safe adult to children it could be hard for you to picture an adult being unsafe with children. It might disgust you and be hard to think about and easier to deny. This benefits perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse. Professional perpetrators target children who are less likely to be believed by other adults or lack adults who can care for them. These abusers are highly skilled at hiding their actions. They know how to coerce submission and make the child feel confused and bad about what happened. Creating an environment of shame and silence that traps the survivors.

Myth: My Child Would Tell Me if They’re Being Sexually Abused.

Fact: America sucks at talking about sex. Most of us are embarrassed to discuss sex between loving consenting adults. Sexual abuse is an incredibly shameful experience. Even children with supportive parents struggle to talk about the abuse. If you are not talking about sex with your kids, do not assume that your kids would feel comfortable talking about sex with you. You need to lead the conversation and normalize having conversations on embarrassing topics with your kids.

Myth: It Would Be Obvious if My Child Was Being Sexually Abused.

Fact: Professional perpetrators know how to keep their actions under wraps, making it difficult to detect the abuse. The shame they feel is enough to keep most kids silent. Which the abuser counts on in order to continue the abuse and go undetected. Sophisticated abusers know how to play on this shame and make the children feel bad for the abuse. It’s confusing for the survivor, creating even more shame. People who have experienced sexual abuse understand why survivors don’t talk about it.

Myth: Only Adults Abuse Children.

Fact: Abused children often abuse other children. Children can be both victims and perpetrators of abuse if they do not receive help. Make sure you know the children that your children are spending time with. Ask questions, go into their friend’s houses, get out of the car at school pick up and drop off. Your kids need you to be an active player in keeping them safe from unsafe behaviors.

What We Can Do About Keeping Kids Safe from Abuse

Get to Know the Adults in Your Kid’s Life.

Don't count on institutions to keep your children safe. It does not matter that the school, another parent, counselor, or someone else thinks an adult or another child is safe. Do your homework and spend time with the adults that your children are around. People who abuse children often appear liked and loved by other adults. The Catholic Church, the Boy Scouts of America, & the USA Gymnastics were all examples where the adults assumed the institutions were safe while childhood sexual abuse was happening. 

Trust Your Instincts.

If something doesn’t feel right, you need to intervene and help your child. No child, regardless of their personality or age, can handle the dynamics of an abusive relationship alone.

"Stranger Danger" is not Enough.

Over 90% of children who experience sexual abuse know and trust their abuser. Telling your kids to stay away from strangers is not enough. Truly abusive people work hard to get close to their victims and be trustworthy by the adults in their life. 

Educate Yourself on Childhood Sexual Abuse.

The children who get abused by other adults often come from families where a parent does not want to believe or cannot come to terms with the violence that people are capable of. If you have a hard time believing that people can hurt each other and you are responsible for kids, you need to meet with some safe adults and work through that. 

Monitor Technology.

It’s not snooping; it’s your responsibility. If someone is contacting your child on the phone or device you’re paying for, you need to know about it. Privacy is important, but safety is paramount. A children’s therapist will help you navigate boundaries, privacy, and protection with your children.

Be Aware of Sexualized Behavior.

Children displaying inappropriate sexual behavior may be signaling that something is wrong. Age appropriate behavior could feel uncomfortable to you depending on your background, culture, and your own parenting. Your kids are learning about themselves as they grow up with you. This includes how their bodies work, including their sexual functions. If you’re feeling stuck or embarrassed about it, working with a good therapist could be helpful to you.

A children’s pediatrician or children’s therapist can provide information about what is age appropriate sexual behavior as well as red flags for inappropriate sexual behavior for your child’s age and developmental level. Here is a free online resource to learn more.

Report unsafe behavior.

If a child makes you aware of an adult or another child that made them unsafe it is your responsibility to report that behavior and fully address the issue. You might need to take matters into your own hands and go outside of the institution or family where the suspected abuse took place. Don’t worry about what might happen to that person, protect the most vulnerable. It’s extremely difficult for survivors of abuse to come forward. Part of their own coping with the abuse usually involves minimization or denial.

If you are having a hard time accepting unsafe behavior from other adults, good therapy can help you.

Recognize the Signs of Abuse in Children

- Sudden changes in behavior, interests, appearance, friends, or attitude. If your child experiences a sudden, not typical, adolescent change, it’s important to check in with them.

- Kids experiencing sexual abuse may exhibit anger or frustration due to the immense shame they feel.

-Check how your children are spending their time. Maybe they are extra moody because it’s summer and they’ve been inside too much or maybe it’s something bigger. Do not assume, always ask questions and be open to their answer.

-Maintain a curious attitude and be open to your children’s experiences so you can support them with their problems. I hear all the time children say they can’t tell their mom or dad something because their parents will get mad. Practice having vulnerable conversations with your children so they know they can open up to you and bring you their problems.

Final Thoughts

Nice people abuse children every single day. If someone close to your child is raising red flags, trust yourself and take action. It’s our responsibility to protect the most vulnerable among us. By dispelling the myths and understanding the facts, we can create a safer environment for our kids.

If you are looking for more on how to keep your children safe from childhood sexual abuse, you can get more information and resources here.

If you are an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and haven’t received good therapy to heal from that was done to you, you could still be struggling with the aftermath of the abuse. The anxiety, intrusive thoughts, shame, and dissociation won’t just go away and sometimes gets worse as life goes on.

If you are struggling with your own memories of your childhood sexual abuse, this is normal and your brain is trying to make sense of what happened when you were little. In therapy with me, we can safely reprocess those traumatic memories in a way that doesn’t retraumatize you and frees you from feeling and reliving the harder moments of your life.

Interested in learning more about working with me? 

Check out my website and book your free phone consult to find out if I would be a good fit for you. 

If this blog article was helpful to you, please share it with another parent who needs this information too!