Why Talking About Your Trauma Isn’t Working for You—And What You Can Do Instead
Have you ever noticed that when you finally muster the courage to talk about the thing you’ve been avoiding, you don’t feel better? Maybe you even feel worse, like you’ve opened a door you can’t close. It’s not uncommon to leave these conversations feeling raw, overwhelmed, and more confused than before.
Why does this happen? Isn’t therapy supposed to help you feel better?
The truth lies in how trauma affects the brain. A traumatic experience isn’t stored in the part of your brain that processes logic or language. Instead, it’s trapped in the part that feels—the part responsible for your emotions and bodily sensations. This is the same part of your brain that lights up when you’re soaking up the sun on a perfect day or savoring your favorite meal. It’s deeply intuitive and universal, yet it doesn’t communicate in words.
When you try to talk about a traumatic experience, you’re activating this part of your brain. Instead of releasing the trauma, you’re often re-living it—complete with the uncomfortable sensations and emotions that come with it.
How We Reprocess Trauma
Effective trauma therapy isn’t about rehashing the details of what happened until you’re numb to it. In fact, this approach can do more harm than good. In the 1990s, it was common practice to have clients recount their traumatic experiences repeatedly in therapy. The idea was to desensitize them, but what actually happened was that clients dissociated. Instead of healing, they were disconnecting even further from their emotions and their experiences.
Here’s why: when you talk about trauma without the proper tools, your brain goes into survival mode. It’s like your body thinks the event is happening all over again. You’re reliving the fear, panic, and helplessness, not reprocessing it.
Modern trauma therapy takes a different approach. It uses techniques that keep all parts of your brain online and engaged, allowing you to reprocess the trauma safely. This might involve grounding exercises, bilateral stimulation (like in EMDR), or other body-based methods. The goal is to help you process what happened without feeling like you’re drowning in it.
What You Can Do Instead
If you’ve been stuck in the cycle of talking about your trauma and not feeling better, it’s time to try something different. Here’s where to start:
1. Find a Therapist Who Specializes in Trauma
Not all therapists are trained to treat trauma effectively. When looking for a therapist, ask them how they plan to address your trauma without retraumatizing you. A skilled trauma therapist should have a clear plan and be able to explain it to you in a way that makes sense.
Questions to ask might include:
What methods do you use to treat trauma?
How do you ensure I stay regulated during sessions?
What steps do we take if I feel overwhelmed?
A good therapist whose equipped in working with trauma will prioritize your safety and make sure you feel empowered throughout the process.
2. Understand the Difference Between Reprocessing and Retraumatization
It’s important to know what healthy trauma work looks like. Reprocessing feels challenging but manageable. You will experience discomfort, but it’s a productive kind of discomfort—like soreness after a good workout. Retraumatization, on the other hand, feels overwhelming and unmanageable. Like running a marathon without the proper training, preparation or supplies.
Signs you might be retraumatizing yourself in therapy include:
Feeling dazed or disconnected
Struggling to stay present in the room
Experiencing intense physical sensations like shaking or rapid heart rate
Having overwhelming emotions you can’t control or communicate
Leaving sessions feeling much worse, not better
If this is happening to you, bring it up with your therapist. If they dismiss your concerns or don’t adjust their approach, it might be time to find a new therapist who can provide the support you need.
3. Listen to Your Body
Your body has a way of pointing out what needs healing. If you’re experiencing physical or emotional distress in therapy, it’s a signal that something isn’t working or needs tending too. A good trauma therapist will teach you how to recognize and respond to these signals so you can stay grounded and safe during sessions.
The Path to Healing
Healing from trauma is possible, but it requires the correct approach. Talking about what happened can be part of the process, but it’s not the whole picture. To truly heal, you need to address the emotional and sensory aspects of your trauma in a way that’s safe and supportive.
If you’ve been trying to talk your way through your trauma and feeling stuck, know that you’re not alone. And more importantly, know that it’s not your fault. With the right tools and support, you can move beyond the pain and start to feel like yourself again.
I work with adult women virtually throughout California and inperson at my office in Lompoc, CA to help them heal from their invisible wounds.
