The World Needs More Angry Women.

Anger isn’t the problem—it’s what you do (or don’t do) with it.

I often work with shut-down and anxious women who shy away from anger. They don’t see anger as a good thing and try to avoid it at all costs. But here’s the truth:

They *do* get angry. 

They get angry when their coworkers are treated unfairly by a boss.

They get angry when their niece is teased at school.

They get enraged when they witness the injustices in the world.

And because women are not encouraged to connect with or use their anger, they start to believe that anger is the problem. Anger becomes the enemy. 

But anger is here to help us.

In Defense of Anger

Anger is a powerhouse emotion.

It gives us energy, activates our body’s defense system, and prepares us for the fight of our lives.

Anger matters.

• Anger lights up when a boundary is violated.

• It’s tied to fear, which is tied to our safety.

• When you feel angry, your body gets ready to move—in case you’re in danger!

Anger is trying to keep you and your loved ones safe.

When Anger Becomes a Problem

While anger’s job is to protect, sometimes it keeps showing up when it doesn’t need to. That’s often due to a lack of connection to our anger.

Think of your anger like a pot on the stove—if you don’t regularly check it, it’ll boil over at the worst time. Hormonal fluctuations can also make emotions harder to manage, meaning something minor last week could trigger rage today.

Women are more susceptible to anger and episodes of rage during the luteal phase—aka PMS.

Connecting to & Expressing Healthy Anger

To heal our relationship with anger, we need to first assess our awareness of it. This is where a trusted partner, friend, or family member can help. Ask them:

- How do you know when I’m angry?

- What’s it like for you when I’m angry?

- How do you feel when I’m angry around you?

Make sure the person you ask has the emotional intelligence to engage in this conversation productively.

For me, I can get hot-headed when I’m angry. I rage, blame, spiral, and lash out at anyone who’ll listen. I verbally punch those who disagree with me or challenge my beliefs. 

But in that space, I’m not solving anything. I’m stuck in my hurt, angry at the injustice.

Anger wasn’t the problem. It was how I was dealing with it.

I was letting my anger about abuse & violence spill onto the people who had nothing to do with it. What I needed was to drop into the hurt and be with myself, to validate what felt hard before trying to fix everything.

Turning toward that hot, electric feeling in my body, I needed to acknowledge it, not just analyze why the anger was there. 

When an emotion takes hold of you, shift from "Why did this happen?" to "How can I exist in this?"

Instead of looking for someone or something to blame, it’s about noticing, connecting to, and being with your anger.

Anger is not the problem. 

It’s (usually) the situation that triggered the anger.

I don’t want to stop getting angry about abuse & violence.  

But I *do* want to control my anger so I can use that energy to speak out against what fires me up, rather than overwhelming my friends, loved ones, or social media followers.

Healthy Ways to Move Through Anger

After you have felt into, acknowledged and vaildated your anger, here are some helpful practices you can try to work with the energy that anger gives you in a healthy, productive way:

- Move your body—take up more space.

- Extend your exhales.

- Growl on your exhale.

- Do pushups or sit ups (mindfully)

- Tear up paper.

- Write letters and rip them up.

- Engage in physical exercise.

- Debate

-Editing

- Painting

- Mindful cardio

If you get fired up, find safe places that you can connect to and express your anger. Schedule times to express and connect to how anger feels in your body and develop a healthy relationship to your angry self.

This will help you understand your anger which keeps you in control when it unexpectedly shows up for you. 

When Anger Doesn’t Feel Safe.

If you had to ignore your anger in the past—especially if you were physically or sexually abused—you may have been forced to disconnect from it. Anger wasn’t “safe” to feel because you couldn’t act on the energy it gave you. Again, anger is not the problem, it’s the experiences that triggered anger and made you unsafe. 

In therapy, you can learn how to safely reconnect with and express your anger, helping your body process the past and make peace with your emotions.

I work with adult women virtually throughout California and inperson at my office in Lompoc, CA. 

Schedule your free phone consultation with me.

Next blog post: How to deal with how embarrassed you get about your anger.