Rebuilding trust in yourself after a breakup: A Therapist’s Guide
Trust is like a seven-layer dip—each layer represents a crucial part of a relationship: boundaries, reliability, accountability, and more. When one layer is spoiled, the whole thing is tainted. After a breakup, it’s easy to blame your ex for ruining the dip, but trust starts with you. That’s why, in therapy, I often turn to Brene Brown’s research on trust to help break down what it really means.
In her work, Brene Brown breaks trust down into seven key components, forming the acronym BRAVING:
Boundaries – Knowing what is and isn’t acceptable to you.
Reliability – Can you count on someone to show up consistently?
Accountability – Can they take responsibility for their actions?
Vault – Do they keep private information safe?
Integrity – Do they act in alignment with their values?
Non-Judgment – Can you express yourself without fear of criticism?
Generosity – Can you assume the best of their intentions?
When Trust Gets Broken…
When trust is broken in a relationship, one or more of these areas have been violated. But before rebuilding trust with others, we must check in with how well we honor these in our own lives.
After a relationship, hindsight kicks in, and your brain hyperfocuses on the patterns of behavior you “missed” that led to this painful conclusion. Your brain is wired for cause and effect: If I study hard, I’ll pass the test. If I follow the rules, I’ll succeed. But relationships don’t work like that. You can do everything "right" and still not get the outcome you expected. This is why, after a breakup, your brain fixates on red flags you "missed" in an attempt to regain a sense of control.
Relationships aren’t like exams. You might approach them that way, trying to "get everything right" but they aren’t designed to be predictable. And if you treat your partner like an assignment, it will create resentment for both of you over time.
The Uncertainty of Relationships
We can do everything "right" in a relationship, and the other person can still choose to leave. That is the uncertainty of relationships, which can feel deeply unsafe if you’ve experienced chaos or trauma in the past. This discomfort can lead to a need for control. Whether it’s overanalyzing texts, people-pleasing, or choosing partners who are predictable but not necessarily right for you.
This desire for certainty can also manifest as controlling behaviors within relationships. You may find yourself making sweeping statements like, "You never want to do anything with me" or "You’re always on your phone!" While these statements may come from a place of hurt, they can create distance rather than connection.
In healthy relationships, there is space for both people to change and grow beyond the daily stressors and distractions. But this can only happen if we allow our partners the room to figure out themselves and practice new ways of being in a relationship with each other.
Rebuilding Trust with Yourself
And if you are no longer in a relationship or recently ended one, it’s time to work on trust with yourself. Before you can trust others again, you need to rebuild trust within yourself. Ask yourself:
Am I holding my own boundaries?
Am I showing up for myself consistently?
Have I been reliable to myself?
Do I keep some parts of myself private and protected?
Am I making choices based on what’s truly right for me, not just what’s easiest?
Am I being kind and non-judgmental toward myself, even when it feels challenging?
The most upsetting part of a breakup isn’t always the breakup itself. It’s the disruption of the future you imagined. It's the sudden loss of the picture of what your life was "supposed" to look like. This relational uncertainty reminds your brain of all the other uncertainties you’re facing.
Rebuilding trust in yourself after a breakup isn’t about blaming yourself or avoiding relationships altogether. It’s about recognizing your patterns, healing the wounds that past relationships revealed, and making intentional choices moving forward. You are capable of rebuilding trust not just in others, but in yourself. And with time, trust becomes something you cultivate, rather than something that can only be given or taken away.
Therapy can be a helpful place to sort through all the pieces and figure out which part is yours and what parts need to change for next time.
I work with adult women virtually throughout California and inperson at my office in Lompoc, CA to help them heal from their invisible wounds.
