Uncomfortable Silence? Why your therapist is quiet.
“Some people come to therapy wanting advice or answers. While therapists offer guidance, their higher purpose is to help you connect to your innermost desires. ”
Therapist’s Point of View on Silence- Why it’s There.
I’m waiting. Jenny* hesitantly shared a new insight about an important relationship. I know that what she said is just the tip of something much bigger for her. I wait, giving her the opportunity—if she wants to take it—to be vulnerable and honest about her deepest thoughts and feelings. Before I jump in and disrupt her process, I pause. I’m purposefully silent, allowing Jenny a chance to hear herself without anyone getting in her way.
That’s what silence gives people in therapy—the space to realize what they actually feel, not what other people think. It’s through this connection between their head and heart that people find healing.
Jenny* a fictional client sharing with her therapist during an inperson session.
Client’s Point of View on Silence- Why We Don’t Like It
I’m sitting on your couch. I’ve just shared how insecure I actually feel, and it starts happening. My face gets hot, my heart races, and my chest tightens. Was that too much? My breathing gets rapid, and the room starts to spin.
I hear my therapist remind me to breathe. I didn’t notice I had stopped. I take a breath, it only reaches my chest. That’s no good. I try again, this time it reaches my belly. Good, I hear my therapist say. I take a few more breaths, and suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by the urge to share more.
I blurt out how utterly alone I feel especially around other people. I tear into how brutal and rough it’s been, the things I’ve swallowed and stuffed down just to be okay.
Suddenly, I’m crying. I didn’t want to cry in therapy today. But we’re so past that.
I’m so angry. Why am I even talking about all this stuff? What are we doing here?
Through the snot and the tears, I hear my therapist ask me to take a breath with her. I snort and roll my eyes. I’m so annoyed. Is this what I’m paying for? But I do it anyway because I’ve stopped breathing again, and I liked how it felt earlier when I was breathing better.
And this continues. As I share myself in session, my therapist doesn’t always jump in right away. Or where I’m expecting.
I realize that I like that because, for once, I don’t have to make her feel comfortable. For the first time, I’m free to just feel my way through, saying what’s on my heart and mind without fear of judgment.
Silence Gives Us Freedom
People who are comfortable with silence are free to be themselves. They don’t need to fill the void or exhaust themselves trying to make others understand their point of view.
They know why they feel the way they feel, and that gives them the freedom to just be.
But even though silence can be freeing, it doesn’t always feel that way at first.
The silence feels uncomfortable. Who is supposed to break it? Should we have this much silence? Some of us immediately fill the silence with more thoughts, never truly allowing themselves to quiet down and listen.
Many women have been taught to distrust their intuition, making it deeply uncomfortable when a therapist doesn’t do the same. You wanted space to hear yourself, but that doesn’t make it easy.
Women who grew up with controlling parents might feel uncomfortable making their own decisions. And that pattern carries into adulthood, in a romantic relationship, a needy friendship, or demanding boss. If someone else is always telling us what to do, calling all the shots, then we have someone to blame when our life doesn’t measure up to what we want it to be. That can feel safer than stepping outside the confines of those relationships.
Why We Need the Silence
Your life is complex. There is no one right answer or correct way of doing things. When we don’t allow for silence, we miss the chance to notice where we light up or dim out.
You’re not coming to therapy to have your therapist’s life. You’re coming to therapy to live your best life which could look completely different from your therapist’s.
Silence Isn’t Ignoring
When I sit with someone in silence, I’m attuning to their experience, noticing their body language, and feeling along with them.
If someone is ignoring you, they’re not there with you too.
In silence there is companionship, as we enter a place beyond words.
Sitting in silence is truly showing up for someone in a selfless and loyal way.
People are so uncomfortable with silence that they may tune out or ignore this opportunity for a deeper, richer connection.
When the Silence Isn’t Working
There are times when a therapist might be too silent or not jump in enough. Generally, I step in to help women clarify, reflect, or encourage curiosity and wonder or give them permission to feel their negative emotions.
The purpose of silence isn’t to make you uncomfortable or to drag out the clock. It’s to give you space to discover who you truly are. In therapy, silence isn’t empty, it’s full of possibility.
If you’ve tried therapy before and felt like something was missing, like you were just talking without truly being heard, I encourage you to reach out. Together, we’ll create a space where silence isn’t awkward but transformative.
I work with adult women virtually throughout California and inperson at my office in Lompoc, CA to help them heal from their invisible wounds.
